My Plans...and the reality

Is the word Plan a mean word...i know life is unplanned...still people plan...according to their ability to do so...taking care of other aspects such as the effect of the plan to the people they love...they care! Yes i did plan to say i love him...just to let him say that no he does not think in this way...just to let him not feel responsible for anything regarding to my feelings for him. i never wanted to make this kind of scenario around a sensible person...certainly not around me too. It is still a nightmare for me to think about what he may think all about the confession which is said by me and sounded more like a proposal...may be of lifelong imprisonment for him with me...when i know i hate this commitment concept to the core of my heart...!

Then why did i do this? Why did i speak this nonsense to a sensible guy and more strange through a sensible mouth of my own...?... I was scared...of this uncertainty...of my failures...of the fact that he can be most certainly not mine...of the truth more painful that he can have a different life...of the reality much sensible that he is interested in someone else...not me! Why these emotions grow in my heart when everything is impossible...late...nonsense...and not in control!!!

Why do one wants to have what one desires...! I certainly do not regret that i told him the real intention of mine... but i do feel terrible that i told him the way which made every intention of mine look so...mean! i failed once again to express the love i felt for him...! he may never know it in this life...and i do regret this...the only thing in my life i ever regret...not my career...not my efforts...but this expression. Some times i wish to the God that please make it happen and please make him mine only...because still i can not share him with any stupid fellow who believes that sending gifts can show the love...sigh...yah it does show :-).

poor me...i can only sympathize myself...coz everyone else will scold me yah they do. Because they actually warned me...still i believed in me and my silly feelings...which are obviously proved...silly...weak... and yes...selfish. i do not want any help...i do not pray to god for mercy...i know what i did i deserve the treatment this life is giving me...i can only promise to myself that i will improve...never complaining...always respecting to this lovely guy who showed me my worth...in the real world...and smiling with the fact that it is an easier job to be of some worth after being so worthless.

Yes i am angry to him because i trusted him and him only to have my secret unfold and he just messaged me his refusal...it did hurt...! It made all the damage. Apart from this i will always cherish his company...his thoughts...his honesty the only reasons i loved him and decided to tell him irrespective of every fact which were not infact my business. Thanks dear for your company :-). I shall never ask for more...! I tell you one thing always by some means that you look good when you smile...so you should smile more often. I loved you...i hope you know it too.

the dark night

I just watched The Dark Knight. A delightful movie to watch! A philosophical journey...what is good and what is bad...! This is the only question I have been discovering from my childhood. A novel I read named Chitralekha fascinated me like anything. I gathered my courage to do things on my own and started discovering my own vision of good and bad things...!!! I learnt that nothing can be labelled as the good and the bad...! There is always a fair logic behind everything either good or bad. if one can prove one's deed it will be approved and will be fairly accepted.

I am quite poor in my logics so everything I do... does not fall in to the category of being good...some of them are not acceptable...! I try to make my people to look at the world as i do but they do not seem to be interested in that. I am still confused with the concept of disciplining myself according to the society's so called GOOD concepts...! They all suck in my honest opinion. Everything is hidden...I can see those dark sides...I can well understand it too...I can prove them too with a fairly strong reasons...still the Good and the bad things exist...!!! There are distinctiveness in the both. Why these both have so much contrasts...why cant they meet at some point...why people in my society have this demarcation? These things limit you and prohibit you to see a different side of a coin...may be there are third or forth sides...who knows and who will tell...? I have started this journey knowing that I want to see these non existing third or forth sides...unknowingly believing in their existence...! The good side I followed to a very distance did not make anything of me...so I sneaked in to the world of so called the bad concepts but it too did not fascinate me and I did not find it to be so strong to have these many followers...! I wonder the followers were so attracted to me that they started behaving like me...! I was not so strong in my opinion about the good side of life...so I did not convince them to trust me ...because i had seen so called good side of belief only...and i did not have any reason to follow those... at least not mine

There are people of different opinion in my life totally different from the one to the another. They are all good and good only. Some of them love me very much...a lot i should say. Love makes everything feel good and the idea of bad things go away from the mind for a while. But still there are bad sides...which exist even then!!!

I wonder when i will find the right demarcation of these two contrast in my life. I am wandering in the search of right direction...i am afraid is there anything like right exist or not...! I am clueless!!! I am looking for a person with whom i can find my answers...wish me luck!!! Now I am waiting dear!!! come soon!!! I need you!!!

Innocence...or ignorance

i am thinking of starting something which is out of my reach. i do not know whether i ll be able to complete it on my own or not. but i want to follow the same path what i have been following. i do not know what is going to happen with me and with my dreams still i know i am going to walk till i breath...! i am scared but i have to live and this is the only way i know how to live. it seems to me that i have never learnt to live on my own...it seems all my experiences are nothing but so naive...then why have i never realized it before...! why i could not feel my emptiness before...! i am sensitive. i do things with my emotions not with my brain...! i can not use my brain...it does not say anything...it says i am scared...it says that the thing i am going to do is out of my ability!!! it says there is no use of doing anything because no one is watching you...because no one cares...because no one sees me...!!! i have become so invisible that to see myself i have to go into past and look minutely to the ashes of my personality. even then i can not identify who i was...! if i say i am lost...i know this is right...! i did things i always wanted to do...i walked beyond my limitations...and i know doing that was a not me...! i did because i wanted to feel what it was...! i still do not know if i got the right meaning of everything i did. one person came and i am lost...he hurt...and i smiled...he did not care about me and my emotions...and i did not complain...he just watched me...and i let him...enjoyed my attention and i respect him...he did not get affected and i ...i made fool of myself and my emotions...!!! this is a negative feeling. i have never felt it before. so i am different...i am changed...i am deteriorated... the feeling i used to worship is causing me tremendous pain...i am hurt because i am unnoticed...my precious emotion got no value in someone's life...why i am thinking in this way? why my ego is hurt? he refused to be with me this is the only simple thing...why can't i just take it as just another experience...! i am hurt. i am hurt. i loved him without having any expectations...so why can not i still love him the same? why do i feel empty and worthless...! i am trying hard to rediscover myself...i know i will definitely find me again and will able to love myself again...i hope!!

journey!

hi

life seems to have splitted in to small small journies to various destinations...it seems to confuse me with its own way. it knows that i get confused very easily. this time it is the journey to a very small place where i went to see whether i am able to exist there or not...and see i just ran away from there. life is tough. i am not on vacation still i am relaxing...i have a lot to do stil i am idle...oh gosh...its difficult when i can see no way to carry on what i have been doing. the question is how to carry on. so many things to do...i am human with limited interest :-) who is going to understand...how to go on with my heart... i am confused... the same situation in 2008. its a vicious circle...how to go out...

journey!

hi

life seems to have splitted in to small small journies to various destinations...it seems to confuse me with its own way. it knows that i get confused very easily. this time it is the journey to a very small place where i went to see whether i am able to exist there or not...and see i just ran away from there. life is tough. i am not on vacation still i am relaxing...i have a lot to do stil i am idle...oh gosh...its difficult when i can see no way to carry on what i have been doing. the question is how to carry on. so many things to do...i am human with limited interest :-) who is going to understand...how to go on with my heart... i am confused... the same situation in 2008. its a vicious circle...how to go out...

Problems...

hi

finding out the solution for my problems. i am feeling as if i am out of work or something. seeing the world from a different perspective...trying to get things which seem to be impossible at this point of time. but i am keep trying. this is the only thing i am capable of doing. i will keep on doing and god will show me the right path. i am going on...and i will go on...!!

Open...

hi this is me!

again wandering in darkness... following one silver lining which only i can see!! hmmm... this certainly means that i am free and have nothing serious to do...! well my sister is trying to sleep and i am keep disturbing her and not letting her sleep...ha ha ha.

why is this blog exist on internet...what do people write in it...and if they do it for the recognition then why am i doing this...! well i do not know the answer still it is something that i wanted to do so here i am...!

i can see the book which gave me a new vision or i should say that it gave me the courage to stand by what i feel is right...to feel exactly the way i really want to feel...and to give expression to feelings even if i am not justifying those emotions with those words which i am speaking...the book is OPEN by my favorite ANDRE AGASSI!! i want to congratulate Andre for his successful effort...i do not know about the rest of the world but i did need his experience to regain my confidence which i had lost ...!!! he is a fighter and i could identify the same fighter within me...i have been fighting with everyone actually...:-)...for some unknown reason....i dont know why....what am trying to prove i wonder...still this journey is on...i am walking... where... i do not know...but with a faith which tells me that i am going in the right direction...with the people i believe in...i wish they are for always!!!