walking with myself...

hi

writting after a long time. i am not feeling any thing. i am senseless...clueless...and yes dreamless! i am in a situation i have never imagined...and as a result i am unprepared for everything i am doing. i can not run away as it is my punishment period...i want to spend it on my own. i am going nowhere...no direction...no inspiration too. i had one but it was not mine. it's not heartbreaking still it is courage breaking. i have left no courage to fight again for any cause...for any one. i am searching for inspiration but i think i have used every bit of it. i am doing something very wrong...i am clueless. where to go who is going to tell me. how to convert my energy in a positive direction i wonder. God is also not showing me the way to follow. i am not giving up...still i am not going anywhere. i am expecting things from the people who is not at all my people...they are from far far away land and i can not reach there...it is almost impossible! i do not want to waste my time still i am wasting with the people in hope that perhaps this could work out for me to regain my confidence. what to do. every day is a new challenge...a new schedule...a new puzzle. i am bad at solving puzzles...! my mind wonders...its helpless!

i am not fine to day. no pressure for anything...i have never performed without pressure. now i wonder how to do it. i know the reality...i have to go on...for unknown reason...because i have to...i have to breathe for some reason i do not know...perhaps i will never know. there is no one who will tell me any direction...i have to go on with the life...with is own flow...! at times it is so smooth that it scares me...my life has never been so calm...and peaceful. everyone around me is so calm that it seems so unnatural. i do not know how will i survive...but i know i will. i have survived...and there is no other way out. i have never felt it. i have never found myself so lonely...so capable of doing everything on my own that i fear that i will never need anyone.

i am not an independent person. i need people around me just to fool me by their company. this time i decided to clarify with the reality....and i found no one with me. i hope i can go on...cause i have to...for myself!!!

My interview in the Lucknow University

i am upset because i am unable to impress judges in the panel. i am not liking myself. the fact that i am not ready for this is hurting my self confidence. i have not been preparing for the post i know...but why do i fail to communicate and express my worth...! i have to concentrate on my communication skills...i have to! i am not going to run away from the situation...i am going to sort out things through proper communication. theses are drawback of my personality...i make fool of myself by not conveying my real feelings on the issue! i am hopeful. god be with me!!!

is anyone online...?

hi

i am Pragya...extremely lonely...bored and more precisely confused with the way my life is changing. i am living here in Balrampur just to earn 25ooo per month and to actually feel punished for what i had decided to do in year 2008. i am not fine...feeling gutted just because i am not doing what i think i can do. everyone calls it the Life...my parents call it my career... my friends call it a great job...i call it my hell!!! i seriously believe in it...! i am trying hard but my all trials are in vein...of no use! still i have no option...but to try!

sometimes i feel that why life is so complicated with me all the time i decide something to do...and i am answered that life is complicated to all who does something. complications are a part of life when you do things. it is the same with my parents...with my friends...my loved ones! i am living here in a place where i can have no help...no support...no inspiration! i do not know how will i survive here and keep my faith alive in almighty...who is still punishing me by denying to give me what i desire...the person of my dream...the career of my dream! i do not know how to beg for these two? my sister is with me. she is also being punished by him who is giving her lots of pain...the pain i can only imagine of. she is my inspiration and i am hers...! i wish for her the best of health she can ever have...and she does the same for me for my career!