writting after a long time. i am not feeling any thing. i am senseless...clueless...and yes dreamless! i am in a situation i have never imagined...and as a result i am unprepared for everything i am doing. i can not run away as it is my punishment period...i want to spend it on my own. i am going nowhere...no direction...no inspiration too. i had one but it was not mine. it's not heartbreaking still it is courage breaking. i have left no courage to fight again for any cause...for any one. i am searching for inspiration but i think i have used every bit of it. i am doing something very wrong...i am clueless. where to go who is going to tell me. how to convert my energy in a positive direction i wonder. God is also not showing me the way to follow. i am not giving up...still i am not going anywhere. i am expecting things from the people who is not at all my people...they are from far far away land and i can not reach there...it is almost impossible! i do not want to waste my time still i am wasting with the people in hope that perhaps this could work out for me to regain my confidence. what to do. every day is a new challenge...a new schedule...a new puzzle. i am bad at solving puzzles...! my mind wonders...its helpless!
i am not fine to day. no pressure for anything...i have never performed without pressure. now i wonder how to do it. i know the reality...i have to go on...for unknown reason...because i have to...i have to breathe for some reason i do not know...perhaps i will never know. there is no one who will tell me any direction...i have to go on with the life...with is own flow...! at times it is so smooth that it scares me...my life has never been so calm...and peaceful. everyone around me is so calm that it seems so unnatural. i do not know how will i survive...but i know i will. i have survived...and there is no other way out. i have never felt it. i have never found myself so lonely...so capable of doing everything on my own that i fear that i will never need anyone.
i am not an independent person. i need people around me just to fool me by their company. this time i decided to clarify with the reality....and i found no one with me. i hope i can go on...cause i have to...for myself!!!
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