disturbances

Hi
I am disturbed to day not because of someone...but because of my own mind. It is always impatient. It wants every soon without any struggle. I dont like smooth roads. I have never had so i am not used to it. The smoothness is boring. I dont like boredom 

My world

Hi
I am a self centered person. I live in my own world. I always have a world of my own where me and my loved character exist. I enjoy them in my dreams. I get bored in reality very easily. Reality repeats it self again n again n again. I cant escape it. you talk and talk in the same way all the time unless so many things are happening or you are travelling so many places. I want to travel...all over the world..never settling anywhere...wandering in every direction. I do not want to feel imbalanced in my life but somewhere I heard that sometimes you have to loose balance to feel balanced. I do not know what the hell they talk. I have got nothing here...do not want to have anything...i want to run away...very far...from everyone who love me...everyone I love. These imbalanced emotions always make me do weird things.

My study...my Love

Hi
My study and my love both are interconnected. I love him more and more as I study deep. I do not know why this connection exist. I feel calm inside me...a feeling of completeness...fullness comes within...and I need no more conversation with him. I do not know how would I able to tell him all about it...I am afraid it may never happen. I wish I am able to talk to him. Its a shame for me that even in this era of communication I am not able to tell him how much I love him...how much I care...how much I want to be with him. How much I want to make him smile...how much i want to make him feel proud of my emotion. Somewhere deep inside me there is a feeling that he does not understand my emotions. I feel that my emotions are very immature in front of his experiences. He knows life better than I do. So how could I ever be able to tell him about this stupid impossible unworldly feelings of mine. I can feel communication gap between me and him I do not know what to do. How to talk to him when he does not help me. I can't do this alone. I hope he helps! 

Time to relax...plzz

hi!
This is a time to relax and have faith in whatever is happening. I have to keep patience and wait for the right time. Sometimes I lose faith and sometimes I give faiths to others...I am not stable. I run behind things I do not possess and teach people not to do so. I find myself in a role of a big hypocrite. My journey to knowledge is hindered because of my own fickleness. I do not like this behavior of mine. I want to get over this weakness. god is with me. I am thinking now...making my mind work...cant afford it to be idle. I have to go on!!!

me

I love everything about myself and expect the same response from others too...yeah to be specific...expect the same from the people I love. Sometimes it does not happen. I get hurt for those times! But I still can not mend anything about me. My friends wants me to act wise still how can I do this I wonder. These emotions kind of kill my soul...why don't I change the way I am...I know I will be loved someday by whom I want to be!!! :-)

Happiness

hey
I am studying...for a change after a long time. I am feeling overwhelmed by  the not so good knowledge I possess...ha ha ha. I am maintaining my pace so that I can improve the way my mind works. I hope the practice will be uninterrupted!!! Fingers crossed!

my state of anxiety

yeah!
I am very anxious. Sometimes I lose myself and start searching for solutions for my problems outside...still I know they are in me. I become very paranoid.I know talking to people will also not help me in anyways. I can not handle these many things when I am home. I lose my calm all the time...its being very frequent now a days. Writing helps still to day it is not helping. What to do. Why mind has limitations...why emotions do not have limitations...? I know being emotional is very easy job but performing one's duty based on them is very difficult.
    I do not have patience to day but I know it will come later and I will sail once again on these tides...not worrying about failures of mind... of feelings... of relationships! I know I am just another human who does commit mistakes...still works on and on...hoping for a better person coming out of her. Keeping my hope alive...dreaming...breathing!

wandering!

i am wandering in a literal sense. I do not seem to reach any destination and the destination does not seem to be near too. Where to go...I do not know! I do not know my mind now. I am not knowing anything. I am clueless. I used to hate this feeling of clueless mindedness...now i am nothing but trapped in it. God does not want to show me any path. I am also not asking him to help me. I am finding myself so unwanted to ask for any help. I am unwilling... dis encouraged...kind of dead! I am not hoping to be alive for anyone... !

hi

Feeling secure is now a feeling which comes in the dreams. Now the responsibilities...criticism...reality are key words. I am still far away from everything I want to do. I am responsible for all this delay! My sin is that I believed...! I believed in everything I did...never doubted! I believed in my feelings and went with them. I never thought that there are people who doubt...who doubt in my belief...who wanted me to prove everything with the proofs...and unfortunately whatever my believes were out of such things. They were so strong that collecting proof was never thought. Sadly my all believes were smashed...and proved immature...! Now I am hurt...sometimes I get angry about my illogical believes...! I question why....Why did I feel...and moreover Why did I try to make my believes  reality! Now I am hurt...I hurt everything I love...! Now I am being proved irresponsible by myself...! I condemn my everything...everything I try...! I started doubting...everything...every emotion...every duty I perform! I am no more myself...I am loosing myself! Whenever I try to be the same old me...something grabs me and I have to change...change my believes...! I think I am no more a part of this society...my society...! They do not like me...My own people doubt my intentions...! I am tired of making everybody happy...I am just fed up being responsible for every bad thing...I want everyone to be happy...smiling...and living life with no worries. but my own people do frown...do get angry...do not get rest...and do nothing to make condition favorable for themselves...! I can not do this for them!!! How am I responsible for their misery...they create their own worries...why should I be blamed for everything which goes wrong? I am angry...frowning...but still smiling because I can...! I am happy that life is mine...and I want to live it without worries...with my God!!!

A Confession

A confession has made my life different
I start walking again in the rain
I never realized the depth of my soul
Who has been residing in me...never known
I am no more real or no more free
A string...a bond developed in me
I run away...tired...exhausted
Still can not escape...have to surrender
What is it...a desire so intense
Not leaving me... making me without sense
Something is lost...a part of my body...
Or of my soul...never possessed...wonder it was so mine
How it can be for someone else
When I need it...and can not breath
Without it...Is anyone there
Who can give it to me once again
Because I have not walked since then it left
Where it supported me...showed me...completed me!

hi

same routine leads to boredom and now i am stuck with it. i always run away from irrelevant conversation and here this is the only way to pass time. it is not productive yet my surrounding is infected with this decease. i have to work really hard to avoid these unproductive conversations. i know this is hard still i have to survive. escaping would be a better word to describe my action. i have to remind myself again and again not to get involve...!!! God has to be with me. i have to move forward...i have to...!

Mere Papa

hi
life is a challenge. i know there are a lots of troubles existing in it still it has no limits to it. i did not want to see this much reality in my life. i still has to decide what to know and what to leave...a human is weak very weak for everything...he does not have powers to control  senses. to me the life seemed to me a gift i never realized that it can be this much real. i am coming across many facts which are making me feel that i am blessed to have my father around me. my father has always warned before i commit some mistake. i wonder why has he never stopped me doing something very wrong...then i get an answer ...he believed in me. i never wanted to break his belief...and i returned home when i was near to a disaster. i must thank to him...i have  real good principles to lay the foundation of my thoughts on.  i never actually struggeled very hard to come to a conclusion. i knew before i started...because of my father! these many experiences made me think why i want to know everything...why do not i trust people. why am i iterested in knowing more...and knowing about the things which do not lead me to a productive end. i start questioning then i get an answer this is all because i want to choose my own path to life. life is showing me my own face...and i am not likng it. i know that i a m going to stand very stronglly because my father exist in this world. i love you PAPA. i can not be some one else's daughter...i am yours!!! thanks for being my Father!!!

I Love...

I Love Him...I know it now
Did tell him still wonder how
A feeling which was inside me for years
That came out through words without the tears...
The expression in me is in abundance
Often makes me speachless with lots of confusions
But they never rolled on my cheeks
Strange I smiled and never found them weak
So I know they're sign of strength 'coz they are pure
Like a heart who knows the love for sure
Tears in eyes...now I know is the sign of life
A proof of a soul which still feels the right and resides...
In me and so...I smiled for a while
When I asked can I walk with him long miles
I love him...when I said
I knew I wanted this to fade
With the time with the distance with the silence
Never planned a word to speak this sense
I spoke those words...and those were emotional
Just to know if I am desired but never made proposal
To plan the life.. when I am still unborn
In the world of practice...where the people seem unknown
To the fact that emotions are unconditional
Though it do expect 'coz they are traditional
For a human who is destined to meet the aim
Of life through trust through belief through love through pain!
I loved the principles...the believes...the talks
Which were few but real and full of thoughts.
I knew the freedom resides in him so I walked
Away with the fear of loosing everything I ought
To have in my life never knew what it was
It hurt the most to know the fact was
the world he lives in was so compact.
For the people who are bounded with pact
Which he hates to the core...the path of timid.
Strange the word I hated the most was too Limits
 I can not imagine myself in it.
This thing  forced me to open up and mend
My life from then on ,,,found a new trend
 Like a river who never stops or fear
for friend, for enemy, nor for dear
So I learned through him as the God planned
and without him my own path is still...jammed!
I  hate when God teaches me through the people
I imagine like me then find them quite full...
with the past,,,which I never had
To grow up with as they did...then feel real and glad.
Here from an immature heart and soul
I confess my intention and my goal
That  the expectations... responsibilities and restrictions
Never intended to transfer these to you my dear 'coz I am in love with a fiction!!!

hi

i lost my confidence. now i only pray to god to drag me to the end of my work. i lost belief...i always believed my friends...i lost it. i am not fine. god please help me!

hi

this is me not fine. just getting bored. depressed. i do not know where i am going but i know this is the only way which i had chosen with my full wisdom. i know i doing fine. i did chose this. i do not want certain things. it has to have been ended like this only. this makes me strong...i took a chance. the god is with me. i am worried...tremendously worried...still i can feel the god near to me. there is no one other than him who is with me right now. i do believe in him. he will get me away from this situation...to make me wiser...stronger and a better believer. dear god be with me in this time...take me away...let me free myself...by not hurting my family!

i need you god...please be with me!

i am stubborn

hi

i am a real stubborn person. i have failed in many of my tasks but i am still trying...not leaving anything...any minute...any second! i am being victim of something ,,, i wonder if i ever be able to escape it? i always work on my weak points...but to day i am the weakest one.

i have read somewhere that the life is to keep trying...never expecting anything...the lesson which Gita gives us. How hard is it...never had imagined. The life was so simple and lovely that i got bored of it and decided to go further. i never imagined that it will be so lonely...! i am clueless of everything i am doing right now. i know i am gonna fight only. because i do know nothing except this struggle. i do not know when it will stop. i do not like this absence mindedness. i am feeling this for quite a long time. failures have gripped me...i am depressed... but i am trying to escape through my writings. i know i will get the way to move forward...towards my dream. i know it for sure...

Me..

Me, Decided to go where my will takes

Fighting with the world's rule which it makes

for me to surrender at the mid of my journey

Of my life believing I am good but its not ME

They call it the Destiny which I have to follow

Come what may with happiness or with sorrow

But here I am who is unable to believe in the rules

Which are set for me to make me wise or fool...

I learnt the Life is what you make it

It's your own choice fix it or break it

Life is not bed of roses but full of thorn

How will they protect me when I am here and already born

To face every single threat to my calm

To my hope... to my dream...to my faith and to my charm!

I have become what I have never imagined

By knowing the REALITY step by step through chasing

The vision...the wisdom...the courage...the soul...

Who tells me REALITY never hurts so I walk again to find my role...

In the world of practice which is still unknown

So keep trying 'coz thats only to me is yet known!!!

hi

i want to say i am fine. things seem to be fine. something is missing and i know what it is...still i have to keep missing it! thinking about the things i am doing and the things i want to do are very far from each other.

i am at home...thinking nothing serious. now i wonder what is a serious thought and what is not. thinking process is a bliss or curse. i know a friend who always complains about his thinking habit...it disturbs him. if i say it does not disturb me i will be lying. the mind works but it is not independent. it does work in respect with our feelings, aspirations, our social atmosphere and our bond with family. there are certainly other factors which can be included such as our past experiences, our responses to those past events and of course our success rate in those events.

the mind does work without our permission. it does have that capacity to do so...and we are nothing in front of its capacity...i wonder its just a part of our body! how can it conclude so easily about our feelings...our future...our conduct...and makes us feel so ashamed...or rather...so proud!

i do not know what can be done...sorry dear i do not have any answer for this...only you know how to make your mind think what YOU want him to think. i am in the process to exclude myself from my mind... i wonder if the mind does not think who will think...if it does not give directions to our thought process who will do it. direction is necessary...i am gathering knowledge to be able to do so. i hope i am not alone...take care! bbye!

i will certainly survive

i m going to survive and move forward only. i m lonely. i know this is going to change me forever. i know it. i am feeling it. i know something. i want to go on...just go on. i am not scared now.

the meeting with corruption

hi,

Staying here is not a usual experience for me. it is certainly a life time experience. i am not very good with managing things in my life...either my relationships or my profession. both are so important yet so mysterious for me. my professional life has always been my only concern since my childhood. so i have to say that i am more professional than personal...still my conducts are often driven by my emotions which are always proved to be so immature. i like my principles...and i do want them to be extremely strong. my idea of work...service...duty is what these words itself describe. i have never come across with the reality of the existing world... with so called system of the world. i am now...! its not scary. its just Real! does this really happen...now i know how! how people get involved with the materialist gains of the world and driven away from their Dharma!

My dharma is to keep on working according to my principles...without doubting myself. the atmosphere is not very conducive to feel proud of the statement i have just given. i am weak. i think a lot and this makes me confused most of the time. i know what is rightful duty of mine still i always empathize with the other situation. i do not think in one line. my thinking is scattered in many directions good...and bad...! i know honesty is the only asset i have got in my personality...rest is nothing. i am here in the place of Gautam Buddhda who believed in Mdhyam Marg. what is this madhyam marg? i thought i know it at-least theoretically. now i know to have a balanced path which is the mid way of the best and the worst...is difficult. how would i know the mid way when i have not experienced the two extremes?... i am here in this world to perform certain duties and bid adieu... my analytical power is being challenged...i am thinking too much before every step i am taking. i know i will learn to perform my duty on my own set rules someday. i am waiting!!!

walking with myself...

hi

writting after a long time. i am not feeling any thing. i am senseless...clueless...and yes dreamless! i am in a situation i have never imagined...and as a result i am unprepared for everything i am doing. i can not run away as it is my punishment period...i want to spend it on my own. i am going nowhere...no direction...no inspiration too. i had one but it was not mine. it's not heartbreaking still it is courage breaking. i have left no courage to fight again for any cause...for any one. i am searching for inspiration but i think i have used every bit of it. i am doing something very wrong...i am clueless. where to go who is going to tell me. how to convert my energy in a positive direction i wonder. God is also not showing me the way to follow. i am not giving up...still i am not going anywhere. i am expecting things from the people who is not at all my people...they are from far far away land and i can not reach there...it is almost impossible! i do not want to waste my time still i am wasting with the people in hope that perhaps this could work out for me to regain my confidence. what to do. every day is a new challenge...a new schedule...a new puzzle. i am bad at solving puzzles...! my mind wonders...its helpless!

i am not fine to day. no pressure for anything...i have never performed without pressure. now i wonder how to do it. i know the reality...i have to go on...for unknown reason...because i have to...i have to breathe for some reason i do not know...perhaps i will never know. there is no one who will tell me any direction...i have to go on with the life...with is own flow...! at times it is so smooth that it scares me...my life has never been so calm...and peaceful. everyone around me is so calm that it seems so unnatural. i do not know how will i survive...but i know i will. i have survived...and there is no other way out. i have never felt it. i have never found myself so lonely...so capable of doing everything on my own that i fear that i will never need anyone.

i am not an independent person. i need people around me just to fool me by their company. this time i decided to clarify with the reality....and i found no one with me. i hope i can go on...cause i have to...for myself!!!

My interview in the Lucknow University

i am upset because i am unable to impress judges in the panel. i am not liking myself. the fact that i am not ready for this is hurting my self confidence. i have not been preparing for the post i know...but why do i fail to communicate and express my worth...! i have to concentrate on my communication skills...i have to! i am not going to run away from the situation...i am going to sort out things through proper communication. theses are drawback of my personality...i make fool of myself by not conveying my real feelings on the issue! i am hopeful. god be with me!!!

is anyone online...?

hi

i am Pragya...extremely lonely...bored and more precisely confused with the way my life is changing. i am living here in Balrampur just to earn 25ooo per month and to actually feel punished for what i had decided to do in year 2008. i am not fine...feeling gutted just because i am not doing what i think i can do. everyone calls it the Life...my parents call it my career... my friends call it a great job...i call it my hell!!! i seriously believe in it...! i am trying hard but my all trials are in vein...of no use! still i have no option...but to try!

sometimes i feel that why life is so complicated with me all the time i decide something to do...and i am answered that life is complicated to all who does something. complications are a part of life when you do things. it is the same with my parents...with my friends...my loved ones! i am living here in a place where i can have no help...no support...no inspiration! i do not know how will i survive here and keep my faith alive in almighty...who is still punishing me by denying to give me what i desire...the person of my dream...the career of my dream! i do not know how to beg for these two? my sister is with me. she is also being punished by him who is giving her lots of pain...the pain i can only imagine of. she is my inspiration and i am hers...! i wish for her the best of health she can ever have...and she does the same for me for my career!