Is the word Plan a mean word...i know life is unplanned...still people plan...according to their ability to do so...taking care of other aspects such as the effect of the plan to the people they love...they care! Yes i did plan to say i love him...just to let him say that no he does not think in this way...just to let him not feel responsible for anything regarding to my feelings for him. i never wanted to make this kind of scenario around a sensible person...certainly not around me too. It is still a nightmare for me to think about what he may think all about the confession which is said by me and sounded more like a proposal...may be of lifelong imprisonment for him with me...when i know i hate this commitment concept to the core of my heart...!
Then why did i do this? Why did i speak this nonsense to a sensible guy and more strange through a sensible mouth of my own...?... I was scared...of this uncertainty...of my failures...of the fact that he can be most certainly not mine...of the truth more painful that he can have a different life...of the reality much sensible that he is interested in someone else...not me! Why these emotions grow in my heart when everything is impossible...late...nonsense...and not in control!!!
Why do one wants to have what one desires...! I certainly do not regret that i told him the real intention of mine... but i do feel terrible that i told him the way which made every intention of mine look so...mean! i failed once again to express the love i felt for him...! he may never know it in this life...and i do regret this...the only thing in my life i ever regret...not my career...not my efforts...but this expression. Some times i wish to the God that please make it happen and please make him mine only...because still i can not share him with any stupid fellow who believes that sending gifts can show the love...sigh...yah it does show :-).
poor me...i can only sympathize myself...coz everyone else will scold me yah they do. Because they actually warned me...still i believed in me and my silly feelings...which are obviously proved...silly...weak... and yes...selfish. i do not want any help...i do not pray to god for mercy...i know what i did i deserve the treatment this life is giving me...i can only promise to myself that i will improve...never complaining...always respecting to this lovely guy who showed me my worth...in the real world...and smiling with the fact that it is an easier job to be of some worth after being so worthless.
Yes i am angry to him because i trusted him and him only to have my secret unfold and he just messaged me his refusal...it did hurt...! It made all the damage. Apart from this i will always cherish his company...his thoughts...his honesty the only reasons i loved him and decided to tell him irrespective of every fact which were not infact my business. Thanks dear for your company :-). I shall never ask for more...! I tell you one thing always by some means that you look good when you smile...so you should smile more often. I loved you...i hope you know it too.
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